she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
