The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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