When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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