After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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