WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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