I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
