Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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