I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
