bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
