A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
