Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
