Define "chronic" masturbator.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
