I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
