why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
