there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
