i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
