we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
