I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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