I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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