I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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