I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
