Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
