True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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