Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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