you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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