If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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