He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
