i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
