Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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