The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
