Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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