is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
