We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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