I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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