It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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