I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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