We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
