I could make wine with my vomit
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
