I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
