just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Randomize
