please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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