Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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