I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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