Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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