apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
