Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm both gender and math confused
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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