I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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