you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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