GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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