hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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