I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
