just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
