If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
