i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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